Obviously you need to chase your own joy and my list might not be relevant for you, it’s just what I do. I was so deep in the closet I never tried any of this shit before though so maybe if you’ve been doing these things already they won’t hit as hard.

My pre-hrt euphoria farming guide would be:

Shave: the first time i saw myself without body hair I broke down crying because for the first time in my adult life, I didn’t vicerally hate myself and my body. The feeling of self hatred that was always always present in my life, that I thought was about weight, about lack of muscle tone etc, gone. I just couldn’t stand my body hair because it was so masculine. Hair removal cream gave me good results for my chest and back when I was finding that shaving the thicker hairs was painful or irritating, but for the love of all that is holy, don’t leave it on longer than the packet says! It’s annoying as fuck to have do hair removal regularly but you’re going to have to get used to some more routine maintenance in your future so might as well start now.

Skirts. They go spinney. Long maxi skirts work on literally any figure. If you have a place that is safe for you to experiment, buy some fuckin skirts and spin around in them. Didn’t think I needed them, thought I’d be fine in jeans, tried one once, now jeans are the tyrannical enemy of joy. Skirt squad 4 lyfe. See also, tights/fishnets/stockings/leggings etc.

Makeup. Put on makeup, you’ll look cute as fuck. I’m still shit at putting it on but eye shadow and lipstick and mascara are fucking glorious. Foundation is still a cosmic mystery to me. I might be too old for it. Who cares.

Nails. Get some colours you like, and get some clear base and top coat plus nail polish remover and cotton makeup remover pads (the good, thick kind that doesn’t disintegrate on contact). I literally stare at my hands for significant time these days, it’s like huffing gender euphoria (maybe that’s the fumes from the nail polish remover, who can say?).

Accessorise: jewellery, bracelets, chains, hats, whatever. But a load of cheap things and see what you like, you can always get the good quality shit later, this is about having fun and experimenting with low stakes.

Let yourself try things as much as you can, you probably don’t know yet what you really want because you’ve not let yourself have it. Im here to say, take it, it’s all yours. Discard what you don’t want, and follow the feeling of happiness. Make yourself safe first (alone, in private, or with trusted people), then embrace the cringe for a bit. You can worry about being cool again later. Be a teenager for a while.

And you’re damn good at it!

I was exactly where you are now not very long ago at all. I’m 38. It’s terrifying and beautiful. I will never go back.

It’s good that you’re reaching out to community. You’re welcome here. You’re not alone and everything you’re going through is something many of us will have gone through too.

I wear wigs. I feel very very sad about not being able to have lovely natural hair, but wigs have been a massively helpful thing for me. I currently have a bunch of cheap ones that I bought so I could find a style I liked, one day I will save up for a good one.

I wore my cheap-ass wig to trans pride yesterday and loads of people complimented me on my hair. So far in my experience, cis men have no fucking clue it’s a wig, and the women that have noticed have just gone “hey girl nice wig” and talked about their hair extensions or whatever.

I’d recommend you buy a bunch of cheap ones first, experiment before you commit to an expensive one, then you can go to proper place and have an appointment with a stylist and ask for exactly what you want.

Jessica out here cracking eggs like it’s her job.

I hate it here.

Thankyou for sharing. It’s nice to learn about all our shared experiences.

I have been talking a lot about this in therapy recently. How all my previous hobbies were extremely dissociative. Video games being a major one, but really anything that let me forget I was an embodied human being.

Since cracking I’m really not feeling the urge to dissociate at all. I’m still waiting on hormones to start but I hope it continues honestly.

Oh hell yeah! I’ve been so looking forward to reading Berengaria’s “finally got my hormones” post.

Keep em guessing! Video game character creators are such useful gender playgrounds I think.

Someone pointed out to to me that I’d basically been making the same woman every time. Just as close to that woman as each game would let me. Turns out I was trying to make myself this whole time.

I haven’t actually played a game with a character creator recently but I think maybe now I might be more interested in playing as other women, that aren’t me.